Conflict is an inevitable part of any relationship. While disagreements can feel uncomfortable, they also provide opportunities for growth, deeper understanding, and strengthened bonds—if handled effectively. At The London Practice, we help couples navigate these challenges through evidence-based psychotherapy, drawing from research in psychology and relationship dynamics.
The Role of Conflict in Relationships
Dr John Gottman, a leading researcher on marriage and relationships, found that conflict itself is not harmful—it’s how couples handle it that determines the strength of their relationship. In his extensive studies, Gottman identified that successful couples manage conflict with mutual respect, emotional regulation, and effective communication, whereas unhealthy conflict styles (criticism, contempt, defensiveness, and stonewalling) predict relationship breakdown.
Commencing the Conflict: How Arguments Begin Matters
According to Gottman’s research, a phenomenon called “harsh startup”—where arguments begin with blame, sarcasm, or hostility—often leads to escalation. In contrast, a “soft startup” helps create a more constructive conversation.
Tips for a Soft Startup:
• Use “I” statements: Instead of “You never listen to me,” try “I feel unheard when I speak, and I’d really like to feel more connected.”
• Express needs rather than criticism: Focus on what you need rather than what your partner is doing wrong.
• Stay calm: Taking a deep breath before speaking can help avoid immediate defensiveness.
Conflict Resolution Strategies: What Works?
1. Active Listening and Validation
Studies show that feeling understood is key to successful conflict resolution. This means listening to understand, not just to respond.
• Paraphrase: Repeat back what you heard (“So you’re feeling overwhelmed with work and need more support at home, is that right?”).
• Validate: Even if you disagree, acknowledge their feelings (“I understand why that’s frustrating for you”).
2. Repair Attempts: Small Gestures That Make a Big Difference
Gottman emphasises the importance of repair attempts—small efforts to de-escalate tension and reconnect. This could be a gentle touch, humour, or an apology (“I didn’t mean to sound dismissive earlier, can we try again?”). Research shows that couples who make and accept repair attempts have stronger, more resilient relationships.
3. Managing Physiological Flooding
Conflict can trigger a stress response where heart rates rise, making productive conversation nearly impossible. When emotions run high, it’s crucial to take a break.
• Time-out rule: If either partner feels overwhelmed, take a 20-minute break and do something calming before continuing.
• Mindfulness and breathing: Deep breathing and grounding exercises can help regulate emotions.
4. Compromise and Problem-Solving
In successful relationships, compromise isn’t about winning—it’s about meeting in the middle. Research suggests that couples who view conflict as a shared problem to solve, rather than a competition, fare better in the long run.
• Identify core needs vs. flexibility: What is truly non-negotiable for each of you, and where can you be flexible?
• Brainstorm solutions together: Instead of arguing over positions, explore creative solutions that meet both partners’ needs.
When to Seek Professional Help
While many conflicts can be resolved with improved communication, some recurring issues may require deeper exploration. Couples therapy provides a structured space to address persistent challenges, heal past wounds, and build healthier patterns. Research shows that couples therapy, particularly approaches like Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), significantly improves relationship satisfaction and emotional connection.
At The London Practice, our couples therapists specialise in evidence-based methods to help partners navigate conflict with greater understanding and compassion.
If you’re struggling with communication or conflict in your relationship, we’re here to help. Contact us today to book a consultation.